Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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