my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
