You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
