Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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