So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
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