Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
4 words: hood of his car
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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