Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
