I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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