Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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