I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
