U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
