If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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