My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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