Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
