Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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