my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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