She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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