So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
