On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
