I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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