My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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