Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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