She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
