Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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