I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Randomize
