I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
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