So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
