so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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