I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
