I am puke
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Randomize
