I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
you will always have a special place in my vag
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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