If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
