Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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