i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
where are my eyebrows?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
