I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
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