So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
