Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
