Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
