The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
They took my balls.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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