uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
