I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
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