I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
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