After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
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