so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
COCAINE IS GR8
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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