I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
