please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
