i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
