The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
