So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
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