At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
