I just made out with a guy for $7.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
