So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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