I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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